I feel like a junkie

2019 Michelle:

This was originally written in 2017 when I first had the notion of writing down my experiences living with mental illness. I remembered that I wrote these words this past weekend, when I ran out of medication, and had to spend Sunday meds free. I figure it’s about time this story saw the light of day. It may be a few years old, but the message is still true. Sometimes I feel like a junkie. 

2017 Michelle:

I was out of town in Kansas City with my family, and I couldn’t believe how much fun I was having.  Life had been really stressful. This was the break I so desperately needed. The third day of the trip I was able to sleep in. It was glorious. Feeling refreshed I got out of bed, threw on clothes, and left to explore the new city I was in. After about 15 minutes of exploring I felt a slight “buzz” in my head. At that moment I realized that I had not taken my medication.

I take daily medication for anxiety and depression. Everyday I wake up to a big beautiful 60MG pill of Duloxetine. Duloxetine is a pill that is used to treat anxiety and depression by balancing out the serotonin and norepinephrine levels in the brain. It is known as a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI). To be clear, I love my medication. It is part of the reason I feel human, and function on a daily basis. I always take it, except for those few days out of the year where for some reason my routine is broken. When I don’t take my medication my body reacts in a frantic manner. My head begins to “buzz”, I am in a constant state of nausea and dizziness, my thoughts become jumbled, and I have no appetite. As a result my anxiety kicks in. I loose the will, and the want, to function. When these days occur, and I am lost in my own anxious filled mind, sometimes I wonder if this means that I’m a junkie? Am I a Duloxetine junkie?

A trusted Doctor, with the approval of a trusted therapist, prescribed me my medication. The first time I took the pill I felt an immediate difference. I was happy again. I was no longer in the constant state of anxiety that my old medication had left me in. I no longer feared getting out of bed, and the thought of eating sounded appealing again. I felt like me. After a few weeks of observation by my doctor and therapist, it was clear this new medication was just what I needed, and I agreed. I still agree. 

I am not defined solely on my medication. I have found that it wasn’t the medication itself that was making me feel better. It was part of it, but not the whole. Therapy is amazing. A good therapist can do just as much, or even more than a pill. Great networks of friends help remind me that I am loved when I feel so lost. Working out on a regular basis kicks all the anxiety and depression I have in the butt. It helps me restore balance to my brain in a natural healthy way. As does all the water I drink. It helps flush out my body, and allows it to maintain its balance. 

I may feel like a junkie, but my medication is not the sole reason why I feel good and human. As mentioned, it is part of it, but the lifestyle I choose to lead plays a huge part in my daily struggle as well. I am not a junkie because I feel side effects from a medication. Even though it can be tough when I miss a day, you will never hear me say that I am not thankful for my medication. I know it is just a part of the process that allows me to be a conqueror.   

After realizing I hadn’t taken my pill that day, I immediately told my mother, and she asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I wanted to keep exploring this new beautiful city I was in. The side effects came, but I was confident that with a little self-care, I could push through. 

Resources

If you have questions about how to get help for you or a loved one, check out Mental Health America’s Finding Help page. Mental Health America provides resources on how to best find affordable mental health care through out the United States.

Also, when I am not quite sure about my emotions toward a subject, I pop out my Rainbow Wheel of Emotions. Grab your own Rainbow Wheel of Emotions here.