’tis the season

’tis the season, or what Taylor Swift would now say, ” ’tis the damn season.”

What a wild holiday season this has been! So much pain and heartache, yet so much joy as well. I am not going to lie. I have been falling in and out of depression all season. When I am not mentally suffering I am experiencing such joy. The Lord has been so good to me this year. His goodness has been undeniable and beautiful despite 2020. The issue is my mind flips so fast between depression and joy I never quite know how I’m really feeling. Sometimes I am even physically exhausted trying to keep up with my ever-changing emotions.

This past week was a perfect example of this messy mental game. Monday I was in such deep depression that I couldn’t even function. I wrote a poem at work that day trying to release some of the emptiness I was feeling. By Friday I was a whole new person with a whole new outlook on life. I was happy. After finishing my advent devotional that morning, I wrote a short post expressing my joy I felt for the Lord and His birth. So much had changed in the span of 5 days. No wonder I was mentally and physically exhausted the whole weekend.

I would like to share my two writings with you all. I hope for those who are in a state of depression you will realize you are not alone. For this who are in a state of joy, I hope we can celebrate our savior together. Most importantly, I hope this may shed light on just how fast our mental and emotional state can change especially during the holidays.

Monday:

I wish I had something productive to say

I wish I had something productive to say 

A statement that would blow the word away 

Alas, my mind is blank

Nothing in their but a rock rolling around hitting all the sharp dark edges

No rock and roll dream 

Just tragedy 

Just lost

Just empty

Tired. 

What have you to say to me?

Nothing at all it seems.

Your wreckage continually drowns me. 

I sink

You swim

Where is the justice there?

There is no justice.

Not here

Not now

Only in the life to come. 

The darkness swallows me whole. 

I cry in abandoned lost unseen. 

No beauty in disgrace.

I was never enough for you. 

Was I ever even enough for me? 

Friday:

Genealogy

Christ genealogy is part of the Old Testament prophecy. 

Christ is the fulfillment of that prophecy. 

I love advent because every year I am called back to Christ genealogy, or lack of a better term, family tree. 

What a family tree. 

Liars  

Cheats

Adultery 

Murder 

Polygamy 

Prostitution 

You name it that family trees got it. 

That is why the family tree of Christ is so beautiful to me.

It is filled with broken men and women who led, not so stellar lives, but found grace and redemption in God. 

Christ was not born into a line of perfect people. His family tree looks a lot like mine, and I would guess it looks a lot like yours too. Messy. 

Read the stories of Abraham, Isaac, Rehab, Ruth or even King David. Their stories are messy, but they are strung together with a promise of hope and redemption. Hope and redemption found in their own lives, but also the ultimate hope and redemption for the world found through their line. 

If you think you are too far gone for God’s grace and mercy look no farther than Christ family tree. I believe, each man and woman found in that tree, would tell you that you are never too far gone for God. There very existence proves it. 

Good and beauty can come from a line of messy and broken people. Jesus proves this. 

And I fully believe that I am not too out of line to say, that each man and woman on Christ’s family tree would say that their messy and broken lives were worth it because of the beauty that was brought forth from it. The savior of the world.