Any The Office fans out there? I love The Office, and I have probably seen it all the way through at least 10 times. There is one episode in particular that I like (“The Lecture Circuit,” season 5, episode 14) where in the episode Pam is driving Michael around to other Dunder Mifflin branches in which Michael is supposed to give a lecture to other branch employees about proficiency in the workplace. (If you have seen the show, you know the irony demonstrated is just too good.) One of the branches houses a woman, Karen, who Pam is afraid to see again. Jim, another character, chose Pam over Karen to be in a relationship with, and now Pam is afraid that Karen hates her. In a cut away interview, Pam explains that she hates the idea of someone hating her. At one point she says,” I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I hate even thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.” For me, this is one of the most relatable things I have ever heard on this show.
Like Pam, I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I want, no I need, to be loved by all. The fact that someone could not like me causes me so much stress and anxiety. It has caused sleepless nights, panic attacks, and years of perfectionism. This need to be loved is not just an issue I have with strangers I meet for the first time. I still struggle to seek the love, or approval of people I have known for years. I have friends who I know love me, but sometimes (usually for no reason) I question that love, and then I try to meet a perfect standard, so that their love for me never waivers.
I set high standards for myself, and try to be perfect because others will like me if I am perfect. Right? Then when I slip up, or when I think I have slipped up, I feel like a failure. I beat myself up, and replay scenarios in my head a thousand times of everything I could have done better or differently. Then I will try to rationalize my “slip up” into a way of setting a higher standard of perfection. I need my family, friends, dogs, classmates, employers, coworkers, strangers, and al-Quaeda to love me.
I hope this sounds exhausting, because it is. I have made myself severely ill through out my life both mentally and physically trying to seek the love of others, and yet I can’t stop. To be clear, my family and my friends have never asked for me to be perfect. The people that matter have never asked me to reach an unreachable standard, yet I must be perfect. Even as I struggle for perfection, I know I am wasting my time. I know I’ll never be perfect, and that I won’t be loved by everyone, so why do I chase after perfectionism and love?
For me, I find that I seek perfection from myself, and the love of others so desperately when I forget who I am. I had a shirt once that accurately described my identity. It read in sparkly pink letters, “I am a Princess. My Father is the King of Kings.” If only I could have this tattooed on my forehead.
My identity is in Christ, and Christ alone. The Lord sees me trying to be perfect. He sees me trying to earn the love of others. He sees my exhaustion at trying to reach a perfect standard. Then finally when I quite down just enough, I hear His voice ask me, “Why?” I hear him say, ” Why my child are you seeking the approval of others? Why are you wasting your energy on perfection, and the love of others? Don’t you know who you are? Don’t you know that you are my child bought and paid for in full (Gal 3:13, 26)? Don’t you know their is nothing in this world that you could do that would make me love you more than I already do (Rom 3:22-24). And, I dear child, love you unconditionally (1 Cor 13:1-13). That is the one and only thing that matters (John 3:16).”
So yes, al-Qaeda will never love me, or ISIS, or whatever the new group is. Not all people of this broken world will love me (much to my dismay), but that is ok. I have a hope that is bigger and better. I have family and friends who love me as unconditionally as humanly possible. Most importantly I have a God who loves with the full power of unconditional love, and no amount of perfection on my part made Him love me that way. God just does. He just is the only perfect love.
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